Parent Training #4 - 4/1/08

Topics covered:

• Difficulties picking up social cues commonly seen in children with ADHD. Failing to notice when peer is bored or when peer is upset or uncomfortable. We discussed some games that parents could play to help the child understand how to know when their friend is bored or uncomfortable.
• How children join others at play. ADHD kids just rush in and try to jump right into playing with the other kids. Joey does this and is so excited to play with someone but he is rejected a lot and is always heartbroken and can't understand why they won't let him play. We talked about some ways to encourage our kids to try to join in and ways to react when other kids say no.
• We talked about how we can encourage our child to join an organized activity/sport to meet new friends. We also discussed how organized sports and activities can often be difficult for ADHD kids. We should not pressure them into participating but it is good if we can find a good one. It was suggested that we the parents try to make friends with the other parents so that our kids would be invited to events and be included in playdates. This concept intimidated a couple of us. I am not good at making friends myself and usually end up making things worse. However, I will try anything for Joey and I plan to make a better effort. (I wish there was a friendship clinic for ME - haha)

**at the beginning of this session, I arrived early and was able to speak with Prof. Mikami and Casey for a while without the other parents. They told me that the last playgroup went well and they thought that Joey seemed very receptive to the feedback I gave him during the session. They said I was doing good. That almost made me cry since I always seem to feel like I'm failing somehow. I am not a good judge of how I am doing. After all that was said, I started thinking..."I wonder if they are just praising me to encourage me like I'm supposed to be doing to Joey?? I wonder if they would even tell me if I needed to do a lot better??" Hopefully, I am just being too hard on myself.

Parent Training #3 - Homework

Assignments:

• Attentive Listening
• Constructive Feedback
• Effective Praises - lots of them
• Special Times
• Create Secret Signal
• Play Games and practice skills
• Talk to Joey about dealing with teasing

Joey was out of school on spring break all this week. It has been a rough week. I haven't done much of the homework. We've been too grouchy with one another.

I will write more later...

For this week I only managed to do a few things right. I did try to listen attentively a few times. I probably only did it completely right once. He was extra talkative this week. I gave him some nice constructive feedback, but also quite a bit of yelling feedback (I get an F in that). I remember giving him some praises but they were harder to say this week just because I was grouchy.
I ended up forgetting all about the game playing assignment. I was going to talk to him about bragging and then come up with a secret signal but he was not ready to hear anything about him bragging. I just dropped it and decided to wait until a better day. I didn't really need to talk to Joey about his bullies this week. He is starting to do good with that. We talked about ignoring his bully a few weeks ago and he has enjoyed making the boy mad each day. He sees that it is working some but he is getting impatient that the results are not immediate.

Playgroup #2 - 3/30/08

The researchers had the four boys play a problem solving game where they had to figure out how to get from one spot in the room to another using folders for stepping stones and without touching anything in the room. We the parents were instructed to help our kids follow the rules and help them in making friends. That wore me out! Joey did fine and all the kids were good but I tend to get worked up myself when there are adult voices talking everywhere and boys flying around the room like a swarm of bees. The other parents jumped right into instructing their boys but I think I just sort of shut down for the first 15 minutes or so. After I had time to process it I was able to walk over to Joey and give him some feedback. I could tell that all the chaos bothered Joey as well. It did not seem to bother the other boys at all. Joey got frustrated when he couldn't get anyone to hear him trying to say his ideas for the game but he only is very upset for about a minute and then snaps back into normal mode.

I was thinking that it would be helpful if there was a time when the researchers could actually coach the kids or help them understand more about ADHD and how to handle it when making friends. I believe that Joey hears my voice so constantly that he is immune to it and it doesn't break through the chaos to get into his thoughts. I wonder if other adults talked to him about all these things if he would listen and be more receptive.

After the problem solving activity, the boys could choose board games to play with each other. Joey picked the Guess Who game that he seems to like the best. He got quite frustrated at times when he didn't feel like he was doing really good at the game. He won the first round and is always a great sport when he wins. I am proud that he will not brag and he always says something nice to other players, such as "good job!". On the second round, Joey lost the game and he got a little upset. He is not such a great loser. After that game he played Jenga briefly and I played it with him before leaving for home.

The hour long playgroup goes by really fast. I really wanted to talk with the other parents there and get to know them but there wasn't time for that.

There will be one last playgroup on May 4.

Parent Training #3 - 3/25/08

At this session, we talked about "Helping Your Child Improve Game-Playing Skills", "Common Mistakes in Conversational Skills Made by Children with ADHD", and "Dealing with Teasing".

For game playing we are to play games with our child and practice skills. We can let them win long enough to learn the game and then start challenging them. During the game, we should address issues as they arise and use effective praise and constructive feedback.

From what I have seen, I think Joey's main mistakes in conversations with friends is unknowingly bragging about himself, frustration when others don't believe what he is saying, and talking nonstop. Joey compliments other kids a lot but the research indicates that this doesn't actually make much difference. He has to deal with his problems in conversations in order to maintain friends. Homework is to create a secret signal with Joey that I can do whenever he is unknowingly doing one of these behaviors. That way he won't be embarrassed by me saying stuff while he is with his friends and the immediate correction will help him tremendously.

In dealing with teasing, we can talk to our child about how it may work to ignore it. If that doesn't work, then make fun of the tease. He can find other friends to play with. Also he should try not to tattle to the teacher about the bully unless they are hurting him physically or something dangerous. He should continue to tell me about it though so we can talk through the situation.

Also for homework, we are to continue special times, attentive listening, and effective praises and feedback.

Parent Training #2 - Homework

Yesterday, I tried to be an active listener when Joey got off of the school bus. He talked for a good 10-15 minutes non-stop. It was actually harder than I thought to stop doing my own things while I was listening. It was hard for me to sit still and look at him as he talked and rambled. But it seemed that when I did that he didn't talk as long as he USUALLY does. He seemed satisfied enough with the talk to go on happily about his business and play his games and watch tv. Normally, I am probably giving him the impression that I really want him to stop talking and am not really listening. So, he talks more and more trying to get my attention.

Maybe I'm not such a terrible mother after all! haha

We also baked cookies together last night (which was also part of special time that I was supposed to do with him LAST week) - oops! It went well though and I remained calm and let him have fun.

I praised Joey last night because he went ahead and started putting his pajamas on when it was time for bed and I did not have to tell him to do that. I was specific and when I told him thank you for doing that, he replied by saying, "I like to make you happy, momma". Now I feel like crap because I probably make it hard for him to make me happy some days. I need to be better and not so hard to please.


... I hope to have more things to write about as the week progresses...

Parent Training #2 - 3/18/08

At this session, we talked about how to communicate more positively with our ADHD children. We practiced the art of "Active Listening". I need to listen actively to Joey when he is trying to tell me about his day or something that happened. Usually I will get bored after a couple of minutes and start doing my own chores around the house while only half listening. And sometimes I will jump in and try to give a solution before he is done talking. I need to stop all of that, stop what I am doing and just listen. I feel like an idiot that I didn't even notice I was doing this. I hate it when people do that to me and I have been doing it to him!

We also learned about how to give our child corrective feedback while not being so negative or hurtful. We should also be specific when we give praise and always find something to praise them about. I think Jonathan and I have been pretty good at the praise part for Joey. I think we give him praise quite a bit even when we don't feel like it. I will still make an effort to be better at it and try to notice more things that he does right. I also need to make sure I am giving him at least 4 praises for every negative comment.

Our homework is to practice attentive listening, giving praise and corrective feedback.

Parent Training #1 - Homework

I managed to catch Joey at a good time and we played his interactive DVD game, "Planet Earth". We ended up playing this for 30 minutes or more. It was a very nice time together. I was glad I did it. Joey seemed very happy also. Our quality time has been greatly reduced since the end of my pregnancy last fall and then especially after the birth of the baby.

It was hard to not say "parent-like" things while Joey and I played. I slipped once and said, "Okay...be quiet now so I can hear the questions". He didn't even seem to pay attention to what I said anyway so I don't think I ruined it. I was good for the rest of the time and fought the urges to say things. It actually was very peaceful to just let the little things go and not have to argue and battle over them. I know Joey appreciated it.

For the 2nd special time, we hid Easter Eggs. Again, we spent about 30 minutes or more since 15 minutes seemed so small. Joey was so happy. It made me very happy to see him so happy. I was mad at myself for not doing this sooner. It seems like it would've been so obvious to me that this is what he wanted from me and if I took the time with him, he would be happy. Sounds so simple! I believe that I thought that if I started doing anything with Joey that he would get upset when I had to stop no matter how long I spent with him. I didn't want to go through the battle, so I just never started. He didn't do that to me though. It all went just fine.

I was going to bake cookies with him for the 3rd special time before the next training session, but then the baby decided it was HIS special time to be grouchy. We ended up baking the cookies tonight though. Again, it went much better than I expected. It probably really does go so well because I make a conscious effort to not instruct, correct, or say anything remotely negative. I just let him "be" and try to be the perfect friend for him for a while. He really enjoyed it. I don't remember any difficult times with him this evening. He once whined about his DVD not working right and one time I caught him wearing his heelies in the house. He knows he's not supposed to wear them in the house. But I just calmly told him to take them off and he just did it.

Parent Training #1 - 3/11/08

I was surprised to find that there were different parents at this session than was at the playgroup session. I immediately got along with all of the other parents though. I found out that we were all ADHD ourselves! I was happy to find this out. I immediately felt like they would understand and accept me better than any other friends I've tried to make in my city.

We talked about our kids and their issues. It was such a relief to hear other parents saying similar things as myself. For once, I wasn't surrounded by the seemingly "perfect supermoms" who have everything all together and look down on me for being "weird" and having a son who doesn't fit the mold. The hour and a half went so fast. I wanted to stay and talk all night.

Our homework was to have 3 special times with our sons, each being 15 minutes long. During these times we are to use a style of interacting called, "Attending". I would have to be a very active listener with Joey and not argue, instruct, correct, or do anything parent-like. I just needed to be a good listener and friend for 15 minutes and have good positive times with him. This sounded hard to do. But at the same time I was relieved that someone was giving me "permission" to have some good times with my son and stop being so mom-like for a while. I always thought that I HAD to correct everything and never let anything slide even once or I would have to start back at square one. I never liked being that way but I had been told by other parents and books that this was "the way" to be a good parent.

I also was instructed to observe Joey playing with a friend and check his behaviors on the handout.

Playgroup #1 - 3/2/08

For the playgroup session, we all met in the same room as the intake session and there were three other mothers and their sons present. My first thoughts after meeting them was that they seemed like such great and positive parents. I felt like I probably wasn't doing as well as they were in the parenting department.

Joey played very well with the other boys though and I felt proud of him.
They boys were instructed to work a maze together as a team and they had decide among themselves who would go first, who would go second, third, and last. The last person to make a line on the maze and finish it would be the winner and would get to choose which toy to play with first. After hearing those instructions, I got very nervous. I thought a genuine "Joey coniption" was inevitable. I figured they would be getting some very useful footage today! To my surprise, Joey was quite nice and polite with the other boys. They didn't argue too much with him though, so I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. I was RELIEVED that Joey won the maze game. I knew I'd have a huge battle and embarrassing moment if Joey lost. I was lost for words, however, when Joey tried to say that he himself did not win, but instead "everybody won". He was trying hard not to brag or be a bad winner. I had never seen that side of him. I was so happy I wanted to cry.

The rest of the session was pretty uneventful. I really was expecting much more drama, but the boys were very friendly and accepting of each other and Joey just fit right in. I couldn't help but wonder if this was supposed to happen this way. It seemed like it didn't really accomplish much but I know that the research team knows what they are doing. I'm looking forward to seeing how all of this plays out. I'm sure that I will be happy with the end results!

At the end of the session, a researcher took Joey to another area and asked him how the playgroup went and some other questions. I don't know exactly what they were. I would love to know what Joey said! I'm sure it was entertaining.

After that, they took me and Joey to another room alone and told me to talk to Joey about the session for 4 minutes, ask him if he liked the other boys, and tell him some things to improve on. Those 4 minutes felt like 10 minutes. I asked him some questions but he didn't seem to want to talk much. He acted silly and just didn't seem interested in what I had to say. I believe it was videotaped... I wonder if I will be used as a "good parent" example or a "bad parent"! haha

Intake Session - 2/3/08

It was superbowl Sunday I remember... because Jonathan was slightly aggravated that I planned this at a time where he would miss half of it. I really didn't think about that at the time but it ended up not being anything great that we missed.

We were 10 minutes late to the intake session because we couldn't understand our directions that I printed from mapquest. UVA gave me directions but I thought I would be able to follow the mapquest ones better. Guess I was wrong. I felt so bad being late!

When we walked into the room that we would be in, I immediately recognized Amori Mikami from her picture on the internet articles. I almost felt like I had met a celebrity for a moment.

Joey sat at a big table with a couple of young adults who asked him lots of questions. They performed an IQ test. I can't wait to see what the results were! They asked Joey all about his friends and everyday life (I think). I know that Joey loved all the attention and the many opportunities to talk.

Jonathan and I went into a smaller room and filled out lots of questionnaires and talked to a researcher about our own assessments of Joey's behaviors. It was kind of nice to talk to other people who understood what we were talking about and for once I didn't feel like someone was thinking I was just not parenting good enough.

I was really looking forward to the next steps of the study...

I think I'll write it down

I thought that it would be a good idea to keep something like a journal of what I learn and discover during this Friendship Clinic for Joey. So here we go...

My first email asking to participate in the study

This is the email I sent to Professor Amori Mikami the day I found out about the Friendship Clinic.


Tue, 26 Jun 2007 16:28:17 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Professor Mikami,

I found several articles on the internet that talked about your research on ADHD children and how difficult it is for them to make friendships. The Friendship Clinic sounds wonderful and EXACTLY what ADHD children need. I wanted to see if you would possibly have room in your research/study for my son and his parents (my husband and I). Or if you have completed your study, then would you have any helpful information or programs you could direct us to? I happened upon your articles by searching the internet for some kind of help in this area. My 7 year old son has ADHD and right now his number one problem is friendships. About two hours ago, I picked him up from summer day camp and he greeted me in tears again (a common event). Apparently, he spends his entire day having emotional meltdowns over the most trivial things, such as losing a game, not getting to be first, etc. These emotional breakdowns happen every single day. My son cried all the way home despite anything I had to say and he was clearly heartbroken that he can't get along with other kids. I know exactly how he feels since I was much like him at that age (I also have ADHD).

My husband and I have tried all we know to help our son. We discipline, encourage when he does positive things, role-play situations to help him learn how to act, etc. Apparently this situation needs an expert such as yourself. I have searched my city for resources and asked for help from the school guidance counselor but I continue to get responses such as, "he'll grow out of it", "stop letting him have his way" (which we already do), and of course there's the medication. We use medication (Adderall XR - 5mg) but this does not solve our son's social and friendship issues. The medication helps him get straight A's in class. However, I would trade those A's for F's if he could not grow up feeling rejected as I did.

I'm sorry this is so long. Please... is there anyway we can participate in the Friendship Clinic?

Thank you so much for your time,

Andrea Graham
Lynchburg, Virginia


I was excited to get an almost immediate response...


Tuesday, June 26, 2007 8:01:57 PM

Dear Andrea,

Thank you for writing and sharing your experiences. Many families are going through the same thing, which has motivated my work.

Unfortunately (as you have guessed) we don't have anything going on outside of the Charlottesville VA area. The study requires many visits (up to 12 over a 3 month period). 4 of the 12 are easy to do on the weekend. The only problem is that if you do get assigned to the weekly treatment group (which is a 50% chance, but I assume something that you would clearly want), these 8 sessions of groups are really best held in the evening on a weekday after work (e.g., 6:30-8p.m., for example, on a weeknight that is not Friday). We do have some parents who commute from Richmond and Lynchburg-- but it is not workable for most families unless you have a very unusual job situation

We are also running a waitlist right now for boys, although I think there's a reasonable chance that your son would get in sometime over the next school year.

Please let me know if you think the distance and travel is workable or not.

In the meantime, I usually also recommend to parents a book by Fred Frankel called "Good Friends are Hard to Find". It's written for parents of kids ages 6-12, is not specific to ADHD, but it's a good book and easy to read with lots of practical advice.

If you are not already aware of it, I would recommend the group CHADD(Children and Adults with ADHD), an advocacy and support organization. Youcan find their website at www.chadd.org They have a lot of information,referrals, and such about ADHD and it is a great group. You might also likethe factsheets about ADHD at http://www.help4adhd.org/en/about/wwk which areaccurate and written for families about different aspects of the disorder-- including co-occuring disorders with ADHD, and ADHD in adulthood.

Thank you again for writing. I wish you and your son the best! If you have thoughts from your experiences about what is useful for social problems in this population, and/or you try some of these suggestions and have comments about what worked and what didn't, please do write me and let me know-- I value your input.

best wishes,
Amori

Amori Yee Mikami
Ph.D.Assistant Professor of Psychology
University of Virginia